When I am holding trauma with equal regard, I am inviting an expanded understanding of the traumatizing experience. This means one needs to let go of judgments and simply accept the situation for what it is in order to learn the full story.
I had been waking up in the mornings recently with obsessive thoughts of trauma I had experienced 12 years ago. Before I retired as a high school administrator, I served as Assistant Principal at a large New York City high school. I was in charge of educating immigrant children. There were 400 English as a Second Language students at a school known for failing to provide adequate support. I felt I was the right person for the job because of my extensive experience helping other schools improve outcomes for immigrant students. However, all I could do was obsess about the horrible experience I had with the staff during that period.
When Beliefs Clash
I faced a hostile environment where the teachers and administrators felt their low ratings were unjustified. They believed it was the fault of the “students we are getting now” rather than “the better students we used to have.” That is an ineffective structure for teaching, learning, and excellence. Teachers and administrators have a responsibility to meet all students where they are at and to provide suitable pathways to learning.
I was not welcome in this school because I represented the change that was needed. Admitting that change was necessary would require undoing deeply held beliefs. Administrators and teachers strongly felt that it was the African American, Latino, immigrant, and special needs students were the ones who made it seem like the staff was ineffective. The administration planned to identify the best-prepared students and provide them with special instruction to raise the graduation rate. This plan was not feasible because a large part of the population was performing below grade level.
Being Me
I chose to take this job because the new principal was someone I had worked with for several years. Our shared philosophy was that administrators and teachers need to recognize students’ needs and provide appropriate instruction to meet them. Unfortunately, we encountered hostile teachers and unmovable colleagues.
After eight months of their failed practices, there was an incident in the principal’s office in which the male assistant principal, Math, attempted to physically attack the principal because she demanded that African American students be allowed in higher-level Math classes. The AP Math was stopped only by my screaming presence in the room. The principal was traumatized by the attempted attack. It was worse for her later, especially after our superiors refused to address not only his attack, but they would not bar him from blocking African American students from second-year math. The principal ended up finding another job.
Finding allies
The hatred toward low-performing students remained around the school. Fortunately, I had a very talented team of bilingual teachers who were excited to use their extensive skills to improve student outcomes. These teachers helped build a very effective language-learning program. I finally had my dream job: creating a safe, supportive place for English language learners and special-needs students, with a teaching team who shared my belief that our students could become literate in English if we did our best. I wasn’t going to leave the school with it’s hostle environment outside my department.
As a child of Italian immigrants, I knew how much my parents suffered from inappropriate instruction. They were intelligent people who never fully learned to read and write because they were assigned to classes where little effort was made to help them to read and write in English. That was where Italian speakers belonged in the 1930s. Eventually, I became a leader in the Bilingual Education Second Language community. I was part of the social and political changes affecting immigrant students.
When I first started teaching, my colleagues were people who grew up in the 1960’s. They were part of the fight for equal rights of African Americans, Latinos, and against the Vietnam War. Many of them were African American or Latino and shared my commitment to language rights and equal access to a proper education for all. They were my mentors whose integrity and commitment to improving students’ lives inspired me to be the best at what I do.
The auditorium
At my new school, the hostility was constant. I was also shocked by how most members of the faculty did not share the same background that led me to my dedication to immigrant and African American special needs students. It left me depressed and angry that others didn’t feel a connection to the school’s current students.
I did have an important ally at the high school: the school’s building. NYC built the impressive Collegiate Gothic-style building from 1912 to 1915, emphasizing education’s grandeur. The auditorium was especially grand. When I first walked in there, I felt the powerful energy of the building’s history, which brought me to tears. When I needed support, I would sit there to catch my breath. I also brought my student to the auditorium to have some respite. It was a great place to bring students who met the NY State qualifications for immigrants. I asked them to share their experiences, and later we enjoyed a meal together and offered them books to keep.
Equal Regard Is Essential
To address my obsessive thoughts about the difficulty of this period in my life, I began working with Kevin McEvenue using WBF and with Susan McClellium, a Shaman, to connect me to my memories of this experience. One day, Susan suggested that I talk to my obsessive thoughts. She had me move into a different chair as if I were a different person telling my story. What came was utterly different from my obsessive thoughts from this three-year experience. My essence refused to mention the traumatic experiences, but instead reminded me of the joy I experienced by doing what I knew was right.
My Wholebody self started with the beautiful memories of working with immigrant and special needs students. It reminded me of an avalanche of stories about why I had chosen this work. This part of me that remembered more than the trauma was not willing to stop telling its side of the story. Out of this, I realized that, despite the battles I lost and the abuse I witnessed and experienced on a daily basis, my interaction with teachers, some of the staff, and the students was effective, improved learning, and made me extremely happy. State evaluations verified what I knew was happening. My department had the best academic improvement among all the other departments.
Trauma and Positive Energy Meet
Holding both with equal regard was the key. I fully understood the power of my memories of the trauma. When I experienced obsessive thoughts, I realized that the trauma was still raw and needed attention and acceptance.
What came to me from the positive memories is that “this is the price one pays to do the right thing.” I was experiencing the challenge of fighting the racist behavior of adults as an attack on me. When connected to body wisdom, I learned that, despite the abuse, I was able to meet the needs of my students. We seldom consider the extent of the antagonism teachers and administrators face because they put all students first. It is not until now that I can celebrate my ability to be steadfast and successful in the face of this violence. Now I have a deeper appreciation for others who have also fought against racist ideologies on a grander scale and what price they paid.
N.B.
As I was writing this blog, I wondered if holding space with equal regard might have helped the situation. Wholebody Focusing would have helped teachers and Administrators find their place among the new students being served by the school.
