Tag: holding both

Paused to be Love

I purchased a fist-sized Fluorite crystal selecting a particular one by holding them in my hands to see which one had the strongest vibration for me. I chose the one that lifted my hand up and down.

Photo by Diana Scalera

Recently, Kevin and I have been exploring. Participatory Spirituality. it reminded me of the blog Pause to be Love.   It is a story of holding space with others in a way that leads us to experience a positive felt sense unexpectedly. Kevin McEcenue and I decided to start writing more about Whole Body Focusing when Particiatory  Spiritual is present.  It  draws us into situations in which our interactions with others stimulate our our need for Participatory Spirituality.

Change Your Mind

The first day of Spring gave me a lovely present. In New York City, the weather was mild and sunny. It was a beautiful day to walk around my neighborhood.

I walked toward my favorite organic grocery store in the East Village when I came across an old school building. It was converted in 1980 into a performance art workshop operated by the artists.

I used to live across the street from this building and went to many avant-garde performances there. It was in a constant state of disrepair and construction then. A few years ago, the building underwent a $37 million gentrification makeover and was taken over by a prestigious art institution in NYC. I never even considered going inside. I felt that it was part of the general destruction of a neighborhood that was once cheap enough for anyone to live in and had supported a broad range of art and life.

Change Happens

As I walked by, I paused to be with this new incarnation of the building. There were inviting signs announcing some new performances, and I decided to go in. I spoke to the people at the front desk and learned that there was a multimedia exhibition open to the public on the political nature of cells. I spent some time with this exhibit. My favorite part was watching a video of the sun’s rays shining on the particles in the air we breathe. It was called “This Is Your Living Room.”

I also got a chance to use the bathroom there. It was gender neutral with multiple stalls. This new architectural adaptation felt right to me and was needed to reduce gender bias.

While I am sad that I may never see the likes of Penny Arcade’s outspoken rants or Bina Sharif’s insightful plays in this building again, I got a chance to see that there is something here that does support art and life.

Try a Little Kindness

When I got to the newly-opened organic grocery, I noticed a Latino man in his forties putting vegetables on the shelf. He looked familiar to me. As I paused with that sense of familiarity, I asked him if he had worked in a different grocery store in the neighborhood. He had, and said that the store had closed. I hadn’t seen him in years. What made me remember was his kindness.  I felt delighted that he was now working in this new, well-run store and wished him well in his new job. I needed to pause, because I recognized someone with whom I rarely interacted, simply because his kindness was always so present.

Good Vibrations

As I walked back home, I realized I wanted to pick up a plant for my apartment. There is a fantastic store, EviFlorist, run by a family of Latin Americans who have in-depth knowledge and skill with plants. They also have a fabulous collection of gems and can help their customers select plants and crystals to enrich their lives.

The moment you are near the store, you feel the vibrational energy increase. There are so many plants and gems that every breath you take raises your own energy levels. The hyacinth drew my attention. It was just beginning to bloom. Wha talso attracted my attention were the crystals. I needed to bring this kind of energy into my life. I held the fist-sized Fluorite crystal in my hands to see which one had the strongest vibration for me. The Crystal made my hands vibrate up and down, I was sold.

Big Yellow Taxi

As I happily left the store with my purchases, I realized that I couldn’t carry the groceries, the plant, and the crystal all the way home, and I searched for a cab.

I have a sure-fire way to get a cab in NYC. Instead of using my cell phone, I sing a song to myself, inviting a cab driver to find me. Within 30 seconds, I was in a cab. The driver was a man who wore a Sikh turban. I noticed that he was stressed.

I let him know that I was grateful to him for finding me with all these packages and that I was not concerned with the traffic. He relaxed. I saw that he was a very young man who was struggling with the pressures of being a cab driver in NYC. By the time we got to my apartment, he finally noticed me. He eventually offered to help me with my bags, and we wished each other a good day.

When I was walking into my apartment building, I found a name for this experience—the Magical Mystery Tour. Equally important, I appreciated the pauses for Love with everyone I met that day.

Sister Hazel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y944YxuE1OU

Glenn Campbell  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvswocNN-g8

Beach Boys  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eab_beh07HU

Joni Mitchel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94bdMSCdw20

Beatles https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8WMGBuNaus

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Holding Our Strengths and “Little Monsters” with Equal Regard

Diana and Ellen discuss how both spirituality and focusing live in their bodies and how they support their struggles with the “Little Monsters” with a sense of befriending what’s there by holding both with equal regard.

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Illustration of a Neanderthal Woman:  John Sibbick (with permission from the artist)

Ellen Korman Mains came up with “Holding Our Strengths and “Little Monsters”  as she reflected on her week. It included how she’d been relating with a disturbing part of herself. Diana Scalera and Ellen talked about being with difficult experiences of ourselves. We focused on how we were   helped by our spiritual and focusing practices.

Holding our Strengths

Diana Scalera went to Catholic school until the 8th grade. She   gave up on Catholicism and religion in general. Her experiences were  mosty  demeaning retoric,  punishments. Not until she began focusing did she find a onnection to  spirit. In one of her first sessions with Kevin McEvenue, a Neanderthal woman became present in her body. She was there to support Diana in a situation in which she felt weak and powerless. She experienced the strength in these bones and how the Neanderthal woman was offering them  to guide her and make her strong. From then on, From that point on, Diana let go of a traditional idea of spirituality and became open to her innate connection to helpful spirits. Neanderthals

Ellen Korman Mains grew up in a hom with Holocaust survivors where ties to previous generations seemed cut entirely. At 19, she met a Tibetan Buddhist teacher who emphasized trusting direct experience over dogma or wishful thinking, and this began her spiritual journey.

Holding our “Little Monsters…”

Twenty years later, illness and energy work broadened her sense of connection to the invisible world and to the “larger system” that Gene Gendlin refers. Later, traveling to Poland to embrace her family’s past led to extraordinary openings described in her book Buried Rivers: A Spiritual Journey into the Holocaust, as ancestors began showing up to support her. Since 2011, Focusing and meditation have been important venues for trusting her direction and spiritual connection and helping others trust theirs.

How does WBF Help?

In the video below, Diana and Ellen discuss how spirituality and Focusing live in their bodies. Through the years, spiritual experiences show up to support their struggles with the “Little Monsters” by offering their strength and a sense of a sense of being  befriended to   hold both the “monsters” and our strength equally.

Thank you to John Sibbick for allowing us to use his wonderful drawing of a Neanderthal woman. https://www.amusingplanet.com/2016/05/the-altamura-man.html

Finding our way

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Holding Trauma with Equal Regard

I did have an important ally at the high school: the school’s building. NYC built the impressive building from 1912 to 1915 in the Collegiate Gothic Style, emphasizing education’s grandeur. The auditorium was especially grand. When I first walked in there, I felt the powerful energy of the building’s history, which brought me to tears. When I needed support, I would sit there to catch my breath.

When I am holding trauma with equal regard, I am inviting an expanded understanding of the traumatizing experience. This means one needs to let go of judgments and simply accept the situation for what it is in order to learn the full story.  

I had been waking up in the mornings recently with obsessive thoughts of trauma I had experienced 12 years ago.  Before I retired as a high school administrator, I served as Assistant Principal at a large New York City high school. I was in charge of educating immigrant children.  There were 400 English as a Second Language students at a school known for failing to provide adequate support. I felt I was the right person for the job because of my extensive experience helping other schools improve outcomes for immigrant students. However, all I could do was obsess about the horrible experience I had with the staff during that period.

 When Beliefs Clash

I faced a hostile environment where the teachers and administrators felt their low ratings were unjustified. They believed it was the fault of the “students we are getting now” rather than “the better students we used to have.” That is an ineffective structure for teaching, learning, and excellence. Teachers and administrators have a responsibility to meet all students where they are at and to provide suitable pathways to learning.

I was not welcome in this school because I represented the change that was needed. Admitting that change was necessary would require undoing deeply held beliefs. Administrators and teachers strongly felt that it was the African American, Latino, immigrant, and special needs students were the ones who made it seem like the staff was ineffective. The administration planned to identify the best-prepared students and provide them with special instruction to raise the graduation rate. This plan was not feasible because a large part of the population was performing below grade level.  

 Being Me

I chose to take this job because the new principal was someone I had worked with for several years. Our shared philosophy was that administrators and teachers need to recognize students’ needs and provide appropriate instruction to meet them.  Unfortunately, we encountered hostile teachers and unmovable colleagues.

After eight months of their failed practices, there was an incident in the principal’s office in which the male assistant principal, Math, attempted to physically attack the principal because she demanded that African American students be allowed in higher-level Math classes. The AP Math was stopped only by my screaming presence in the room. The principal was traumatized by the attempted attack. It was worse for her later, especially after our superiors refused to address not only his attack, but they would not bar him from blocking African American students from second-year math. The principal ended up finding another job.

Finding allies

The hatred toward low-performing students remained around the school. Fortunately, I had a very talented team of bilingual teachers who were excited to use their extensive skills to improve student outcomes.  These teachers helped build a very effective language-learning program. I finally had my dream job: creating a safe, supportive place for English language learners and special-needs students, with a teaching team who shared my belief that our students could become literate in English if we did our best.  I wasn’t going to leave the school with it’s hostle environment outside my department.

As a child of Italian immigrants, I knew how much my parents suffered from inappropriate instruction. They were intelligent people who never fully learned to read and write because they were assigned to classes where little effort was made to help them to read and write in English. That was where Italian speakers belonged in the 1930s.  Eventually, I became a leader in the Bilingual Education Second Language community. I was part of the social and political changes affecting immigrant students.  

When I first started teaching, my colleagues were people who grew up in the 1960’s. They were part of the fight for equal rights of African Americans, Latinos, and against the Vietnam War. Many of them were African American or Latino and shared my commitment to language rights and equal access to a proper education for all.  They were my mentors whose integrity and commitment to improving students’ lives inspired me to be the best at what I do.  

The auditorium 

At my new school, the hostility was constant. I was also shocked by how most members of the faculty did not share the same background that led me to my dedication to immigrant and African American special needs students. It left me depressed and angry that others didn’t feel a connection to the school’s current students.  

An Arabic-speaking student with Autism passed the NYS Exam for competency in the English requirement.
Many languages spoken

I did have an important ally at the high school: the school’s building. NYC built the impressive Collegiate Gothic-style building from 1912 to 1915, emphasizing education’s grandeur. The auditorium was especially grand. When I first walked in there, I felt the powerful energy of the building’s history, which brought me to tears. When I needed support, I would sit there to catch my breath.  I  also brought my student to the auditorium to have some respite.  It was a great place to bring students who met the NY State qualifications for immigrants.  I asked them to share their experiences, and later we enjoyed a meal together and offered them books to keep.

 Equal Regard Is Essential

To address my obsessive thoughts about the difficulty of this period in my life, I began working with Kevin McEvenue using WBF and with Susan McClellium, a Shaman, to connect me to my memories of this experience. One day, Susan suggested that I talk to my obsessive thoughts. She had me move into a different chair as if I were a different person telling my story. What came was utterly different from my obsessive thoughts from this three-year experience. My essence refused to mention the traumatic experiences, but instead reminded me of the joy I experienced by doing what I knew was right.

My Wholebody self started with the beautiful memories of working with immigrant and special needs students. It reminded me of an avalanche of stories about why I had chosen this work. This part of me that remembered more than the trauma was not willing to stop telling its side of the story. Out of this, I realized that, despite the battles I lost and the abuse I witnessed and experienced on a daily basis, my interaction with  teachers, some of the staff, and the students was effective, improved learning, and made me extremely happy. State evaluations verified what I knew was happening.  My department had the best academic improvement among all the other departments.  

Trauma and  Positive Energy Meet

Holding both with equal regard was the key. I fully understood the power of my memories of the trauma. When I experienced obsessive thoughts, I realized that the trauma was still raw and needed attention and acceptance.

What came to me from the positive memories is that “this is the price one pays to do the right thing.” I was experiencing the challenge of fighting the racist behavior of adults as an attack on me.  When connected to body wisdom, I learned that, despite the abuse, I was able to meet the needs of my students. We seldom consider the extent of the antagonism teachers and administrators face because they put all students first.  It is not until now that I can celebrate my ability to be steadfast and successful in the face of this violence. Now I have a deeper appreciation for others who have also fought against racist ideologies on a grander scale and what price they paid.  

N.B.

As I was writing this blog, I wondered if holding space with equal regard might have helped the situation. Wholebody Focusing would have helped teachers and Administrators find their place among the new students being served by the school.  

Peace in Me / Rauha minussa

Photo Credit: Cerro Santa Lucia in Santiago, Chile by Maria Hakasalo

I found peace in me. I sit in a subway in Santiago, Chile. My husband sits at the other end of the full car. I am worried. The next day we go in different directions. He will leave by himself for a backpacking trip to Paraguay, to Iguazu Falls in Brazil and later to Argentina, while I will spend a week in Punta de Tralca, Chile. I will be safe–his experience is an unknown. Who knows, it may even be a bit dangerous. Something in me is absolutely scared.

Finding Peace in Me

A man gets on the subway car with another man. They are  standing near the door. The man holds on to an adjacent bar. Noticing him, I suddenly start to feel my feet firmly against the floor of the car. Peace begins to rise up all over my body. I look at the man when he speaks to his companion.  Just an ordinary man about sixty years old carrying a briefcase in his hand. He’s taller than other men in the car.

I look at people around me curiously: could I find someone else with the same peace in their face and in their whole appearance? Not a soul.

After a while, the man leaves the subway. Deep peace in me does not disappear.

This experience reminds me of focusing, when I am with issues, thoughts or feelings that can arise, there is resistance, fear, and hardening in me. When I pay attention to the support of the floor, the chair, the environment, the listener, I start to feel my grounded presence and me here that is completely safe and peaceful.

Later, I realize that the peace of that man resonated with the peace that was just hidden somewhere in me at that moment. There is a peace in me, and I can find it even in a painful moment.

I can feel the same when listening to Kevin’s attunement at:

Looking for the Life Support to Move Forward the Complexity of a Growing Me?

Istun metrovaunussa Santiagossa, Chilessä. Puolisoni istuu toisessa päässä täyttä vaunua. Olen huolissani. Seuraavana päivänä me menemme eri suuntiin. Hän lähtee yksin reppureissailemaan Paraguayhin, ja Iguassun putouksille sekä Brasilian että Argentiinan puolelle samaan aikaan, kun minä vietän viikon Punta de Tralcassa, Chilessä. Minä olen turvassa, hän tuntemattomassa, kuka tietää, jopa vaarallisessa paikassa. Joku minussa on todella peloissaan.

Metrovaunuun nousee mies toisen miehen kanssa. He jäävät seisomaan oven suulle. Mies ottaa tukea viereisestä tangosta. Kun näen hänet, alan yhtäkkiä tuntea jalkapohjani tukevasti vaunun lattiaa vasten. Rauha alkaa nousta ylöspäin koko kehooni. Katson miestä, kun hän puhuu toiselle. Aivan tavallinen mies, noin kuudenkymmenen ikäinen salkku kädessään. Pidempi kuin moni mies ympärillään.

Katson ihmisiä ympärilläni uteliaana: löytyisikö joku toinenkin, jonka kasvoista ja koko olemuksesta huokuisi sama rauha kuin miehestä vierelläni. Ei ketään.

Jonkun ajan päästä mies poistuu metrosta. Minussa asuva syvä rauha ei häviä.

Tämä kokemus muistuttaa fokusointia. Sitä, kuinka olen asioiden, ajatusten tai tunteiden kansssa, jotka voivat herättää minussa vastustusta, pelkoa, jähmettymistä. Kun vien huomion lattian, tuolin, ympäristön ja kuuntelijani antamaan tukeen, alan tuntea, kuinka jalkani juurtuvat maahan ja löydän sen osan minusta, joka on täysin turvassa, jolla on täysi rauha vain olla.

Myöhemmin oivallan, että miehen rauha resonoi minussa itsessäni sillä hetkellä piiloutuneena olleen rauhan kanssa. Minussakin on se rauha, ja voin löytää sen kipeälläkin hetkellä.

Kevinin harjoitus vie minut tähän samaan tunnelmaan. Löydät sen täältä

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Nowhere to Stand

Nowhere to Stand, K. D. Lang’s song touched a place in my heart for its truth about the long-term impact of child abuse. As a high school teacher, people would ask me, “How can you stand being with so many teenagers?” My answer was that the students were my gift for putting up with the crazy adults that run the schools. These interchanges made me aware of how little our society values teenagers. As a result, schools often leave students adrift in this particularly challenging time of their lives.

Nowhere to Stand for Students

When we do not address the challenges that students face, we pay the price of raising adults who cannot manage the memories of the abuse, neglect, shame, and outright exploitation that they often suffered. As K.D. Lang’s song says, “the rights of children have nowhere to stand.”

Currently, there is a tug of war between those who insist that sending students at all costs, even into COVID-19 infected schools, is in the best interest of students and staff. Yet, at the same time, students, parents, and staff members are fighting to make schools safer so that this generation of students will not lose more education.

I offer K.D Land’s song to help us open our hearts to solutions that take into account the experiences of students and staff and the impact some of the current policies might have had on their lives.

The school districts that have managed to provide safe learning conditions are thriving. At the same time, other communities have chosen to do the minimum needed to show they have COVID-19 protocols in place. They do not meet the school communities’ medical, social, and emotional needs. Both students and parents have become deeply distrustful of the conditions children must negotiate.

With equal and positive regard, we must hold the need for quality education and proper COVID-19 protection. The medical profession has shown us how school districts can do this. Many hospitals have created protocols that keep staff, patients, and caregivers safe while providing proper medical care.

Providing safe schools and quality education will significantly reduce the future symptoms of trauma that can emerge for all those impacted by the current conditions. Anything less is extraordinarily problematic and a sign of our society’s lack of value for students’ lives.

Link to You Tube  Nowhere to Stand

Lyrics

As things start to surface
Tears come on down
Scars of childhood
In a small town
Hurt she pushed inward
Starting to show
Now she’ll do some talking
But he’ll never know
Tables have turned now
With a child of her own
But she’s blind to the difference
What’s taught is that’s known
Numbed by reaction
Stripped of the trust
A young heart is broken
Not aware that it’s just
A family tradition
The strength of this land
Where what’s right and wrong
Is the back of a hand
Turns girls into women
A boy to a man
But the rights of the children
Have nowhere to stand
But the rights of the children
Have nowhere to stand
Memories of children
Are written in stone
Some they get buried
Not to be shown
Still they do linger
Deep down inside
Like a seed that’s been planted
And won’t be denied
A family tradition
The strength of this land
Where what’s right and wrong
Is the back of a hand
Turns girls into women
A boy to a man
But the rights of the children
Have nowhere to stand
But the rights of the children
Have nowhere to stand
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: K. D. Lang

The “Holding Both with Equal Regard” Challenge

The Tug of War

 

There is a Tug of War taking over the world. It is not new, but it is currently very potent. A spiritual guide from my Buddhist community shared this information with me. “Be the peacemaker,” the spiritual leader said, “in the tug of war that is overwhelming us individually, socially, politically.” How can we mediate and moderate this energy pattern that has taken over our minds as Omicron has taken over our bodies? What guidance can Wholebody Focusing provide?

Tug of War: Holding Space for my Heart

The spiritual guide suggested that I start with the Tug of War in my heart. I found that quite prescient since holding space for waring parts of me has recently become central to my WBF experience. How do I reconcile my traumatized self that doesn’t want to change anything for fear it will cause more significant harm with the part of me that needs to heal.
My body leads me in holding both parts with equal positive regard. Through movement, each traumatized part receives the time and space to process whatever is there with love and compassion. There is space for the “not knowing.” Many resources will help me, including my WBF partners, my spiritual practice, and my ability to share this struggle with others. My highest and greatest good will be served by connecting to these efforts with patience and faith.

Tug of War: Holding Space for the Personal, Social and Political

My spiritual guide indicated that holding space for the global “Tug of War” is part of my healing. So how can my Wholebody Focusing practice become a vehicle to guide others to hold space for whatever shows up with equal regard.

When unvaccinated family members recently became infected with COVID-19, I began to open up to an expanded view of anti-vaxxers. Instead of only seeing them as the cause of the vastly increased transmission of COVID-19, I asked for guidance in what I do not know about their situation. I became open to learning what else was there.

Opening to More

  • Anti-vaxxers become an easy target because they lead the surge of new infections.
  • There is no free universal health plan in the USA or even an agreement about whether we should have one.
  • 42% of Anti-vaxxers are without health benefits.
  • Many others have inadequate health insurance that doesn’t cover COVID-19 costs.
  • Some anti-vaxxers live in impoverished neighborhoods so full of violence that preventing COVID-19 is not a priority.
  • As a Highly-Sensitive Person, I can sympathize with people who do not want any vaccines.
  • Some US leaders and the media encourage anti-vax arguments in opposition to scientific explanations.

Moreover, I realized that what has been missing in our relationship to COVID-19 is a national consciousness of oneness. Our country has not promoted a sense of common good. Capitalism, by its nature, is about a small group of individuals using their power to have more than the rest of us. It is challenging to cultivate a sense of a “common good” under these conditions. When I listen to people’s thought process about moving forward, it seldom includes a consideration of how their actions might impact others. What I hear is “they are adults, and they make their choices.”

Instead of blaming anti-vaxxers, I can recognize the suffering they are experiencing because of the choices they feel compelled to make. Their grief may also include remorse for infecting others. Therefore, I hold anti-vaxxers, some of whom are my family members, with compassion for how their choices cause them increased suffering and, in some instances, how they have increased the suffering of others.

Be the Peacemaker

The most important thing I can do to be the “Peacemaker” is to live my practice—to not contribute to the Tug. It doesn’t mean not having opinions but having an expanded understanding of the situations in which people find themselves. We can share that compassion with others due to showing compassion for our personal situations. As we support our heart’s Tug of War, we can learn to be a peacemaker for the global Tug of War. So give your heart a hug, not a tug, today.

The Inner Core Muscle of “Holding Both”

WBF and Yoga Nidra

I find my body seems joyful that it has a chance to be observed in its natural state. It has become so used to being observed that I often do not have to speak or think the process but just let my body know that I am taking time to notice it part by part.

Are we only Wholebody Focusers when we are in partnership with other Wholebody Focusers, or is it a way of life? For me, it is a way of life, a theoretical structure that holds my experiences. The most important concepts are:

Body Wisdom knows what our bodies need.

We hold space for everything we find within us with equal positive regard.

Our bodies only need our awareness to begin and support the healing process.

What happens when we are living our lives? How do these concepts come into play? Do we ignore them? Do we fully enter other worlds and adapt to other ideas? Or do we integrate what we know supports life within us? These are questions I ask myself when I want to participate in other energetic practices.

Yoga Nidra

I became very fond of Yoga Nidra when I worked in NYC public schools. My days were always long and full of demands and challenges. To relax, I would use an audio guide to help me get into the Yoga Nidra state when I returned home from work. I would take 20 minutes to allow my body to recover while my dear husband cooked our dinner. I am not an expert in Yoga nor a scholar of its history. I am approaching this discussion as a student in a yoga class.

Yoga Nidra is the part of a Yoga class when you lay on you back with your arms spread out and palms facing up and legs hip-width apart. The goal is to enter a state somewhere between awareness and sleep. This state is profoundly relaxing and acts like a tonic that recharges your body.

As one listens to the teacher’s guiding words, you notice different body parts. Some teachers might say something like “ask your toes to relax” and proceed through the body from bottom to top asking all areas to relax. I began to wonder if even this small demand on the body was out of step with my Wholebody Focusing practice?

Can I find this place of deep relaxation and apply what I know about WBF? In other words, how can any energetic practice become a Wholebody experience?

I changed this practice to make it more in line with my Wholebody practice by setting a different intention for the Nidra state. Instead of asking my body to do something, I want to give my body a chance to do what it needs to do. By observing a particular body part, it activates in some way. I feel energy churning. I stay with this felt sense until it seems to have found its rhythm. Then, another part becomes activated. I do not move on to another part of my body in a predetermined order but by what appears next. I stay with that new part until it recognizes my awareness.

I find my body seems joyful in that it has a chance to be observed in its natural state. It has become so used to being observed that I often do not have to speak or think the process but just let it know that I am taking time to notice it part by part. I set the intention at the beginning that I am giving my body time to be with itself and it just happens.

I tried to create an audio file to help you experience this, but anything I would say might limit your experience of WBF Nidra.

For me, as my different parts churn away (my energetic experience), I feel a great relief from the need to “be in charge.” My body knows I support its need to create this energetic movement and is happy to have a chance to have the time, space, and support to do what comes naturally.

I have learned something significant over time.  When I first started this practice and felt the energy, I would imagine that I had some illness that needed attention. Once I had a diagnosis, I would begin to create an action plan to treat it. My plans were so detailed on a particular occasion, I was able to observe the nonsense of it and just laughed out loud.

At first I would remind myself that I needed to let go of any ill health diagnosis that might come to mind. Without a diagnosis, there was no need for an action plan. My mantra became, “No diagnosis, No Action Plan.”

In fact, our bodies are constantly seeking stasis, an equilibrium of two opposing forces.  By holding these energy patterns with equal, positive regard, our bodies have a chance to use their innate wisdom to help themselves be the best they can be. I go deeper into my Nidra state and allow my body to have its own time to heal and come back refreshed and anxiety free.

Please try this and see what it feels like. Let us know what your experience is in the comments.
Namaste!

Photo Credit: Swamp Rose Mallow Hibiscus on the East River, Manhattan. Diana Scalera 2009

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A Toe Problem

Can paying attention to a Toe Problem, show us a way to guide our well-being?

What happens when we let our egos decide how significant a problem is? Here is the story of my toe.

I was born with an oddly shaped toe—the middle toe on both feet is the longest. The right foot has been more problematic. That foot is also a bit longer, and there is even less space in a shoe for it. If you look at the photo of the “perfect” foot, you will see perfectly conforming toes, with the big toe being the largest and the subsequent toes gradually getting smaller. What happens when one of your toes does not fit such perfection?

When Someone Finds a Flaw in You

My teenage boyfriend was the first to point out the middle toe. He said I had square feet in a mocking tone. I said “Bye-bye” to my first boyfriend. But now that I knew about this “problem,” I wondered how many other people might mock me for having an oddly shaped toe. “Square feet,” however, became a background feeling to describe my relationship with my toes.

As I aged, however, I understood that I could not wear “stylish” shoes because shoe sellers predicated their designs on everyone having “perfectly shaped” toes and two feet of the same size. We all know from watching many police shows that shoes give away who you are. If you can’t wear stylish shoes, then forget trendy clothes. This tiny problem also impacted how I dressed, mostly in slacks with shoes that had square “toe boxes.”

I began spending exorbitant amounts of money, not on designer shoes, but on orthopedic shoes that were never comfortable. My middle toe would never have enough space to be itself, and the nail would send painful shock waves up my leg.

I decided to get professional help from a podiatrist who happily cut away the nail. Two years of nerve pain later, the nail just grew back. So what’s a gal to do with a non-compliant toe?

I wear Crocs as much as possible because Crocs designed their shoes to give one’s foot support and space. Three months of lockdown at the beginning of the COVID-19 epidemic gave my toes the needed freedom. I only wore Crocs. But now, because I can leave the house, I began wearing shoes again, and the pain returned.

How Merchandise Controls Our Perceptions

I decided to hold space for my toe with love and compassion. The first thing I noticed was how central this toe is to my well-being. There is nothing in being longer than average that makes it a defective toe—it performs all the tasks one expects a toe to do. Because it is different from what our society acknowledges as a middle toe, few produce shoes to accommodate it. The basis of shoe design is the supply and demand economic model. This model impacted how attractive I felt, the people I dated, and the shoes and the clothes that I wore. Somehow even though the boyfriend is long gone, his harsh words hang in the air as an acknowledgment of the limitations of not having a “classic” foot form.

My Toe Changes my Life

When I hold space for the toe, what comes is how it has been my reliable bellwether. If Diana Foot.jpgthe boyfriend didn’t like my toe, he needed to go. He was a nascent domestic abuser. When I felt pressure to dress in the hyper-sexualized clothing that society promotes, I thought, “what’s the use, I can’t wear the shoes to make the style work.” If I do not regularly care for my toe when I have to wear outdoor shoes, the unbearable pain makes me stop everything else and care for it. I’ve learned to be proactive in caring for my toe so that I can move, walk, dance, and play without pain. Maybe when I stop my ritual care for my toe, it is the same time that I am not taking care of other parts of me. So my question is, what does my toe need now?

The first word that comes is “constant.” When I have outdoor shoes on, there is never enough space for this toe. My toe develops more hard callus right at the point where the regrown nail is as a way to protect itself. The coming together of the callus with the nail’s edge is what alerts me something is wrong. My toe wants me to know that it constantly suffers from this constriction and works hard to protect my toe by reinforcing the callus already there. Then, I work carefully to remove the callus because that is what relieves my perceived pain.

How I Changed my Perception of my Toe

I have more compassion for my toe and its lifelong journey to live under conditions that do not support it. My toe’s shape gave me a reason to leave unhealthy people and activities behind. I hold space for the “not knowing” how to support my toe so that it is not under constant pressure to protect itself only to have me undo that protection. How many other ways do I undo my body’s natural activity to heal because it doesn’t fit my perception of what is right? By holding space for my toe, I trust my body to inform me of what it needs.

I decided to hold space for my toe with love and compassion. The first thing I noticed was how central this toe is to my well-being. There is nothing in being longer than average that makes it a defective toe—it performs all the tasks one expects a toe to do. Because it is different from what our society acknowledges as a middle toe, few produce shoes to accommodate it. The basis of shoe design is the supply and demand economic model. This model impacted how attractive I felt, the people I dated, and the shoes and the clothes that I wore. Somehow even though the boyfriend is long gone, his harsh words hang in the air as an acknowledgment of the limitations of not having a “classic” foot form.

How Merchandise Controls Our Perceptions

I decided to hold space for my toe with love and compassion. The first thing I noticed was how central this toe is to my well-being. There is nothing in being longer than average that makes it a defective toe—it performs all the tasks one expects a toe to do. Because it differs from what our society acknowledges as a middle toe, few companies produce shoes to accommodate it. Noncompliant shoe styles impacted how attractive I felt, the people I dated, and the shoes and the clothes that I wore. Somehow, even though the boyfriend is long gone, his harsh words hang in the air as an acknowledgment of the limitations of not having a “classic” foot form.

Getting to Know My Toe

When I hold space for the toe, what comes is how it has been my reliable bellwether. If the boyfriend didn’t like my toe, he needed to go. He was a budding domestic abuser. When I felt pressure to dress in the hyper-sexualized clothing that society promotes, I thought, “What’s the use? I can’t wear the shoes to make the style work.” If I do not regularly care for my toe when I have to wear outdoor shoes, the unbearable pain makes me stop everything else and care for it.  But the care I chose would often cause more pain. So my question changed to “What does my toe need now?”

The first word that comes is “constant.” When I have outdoor shoes on, there is never enough space for this toe. My toe develops a callus right where the regrown nail is to protect itself.

My toe wants me to know that it constantly suffers from this constriction and works hard to protect my toe by reinforcing the callus already there. Then, I work carefully to remove the callus because that is what relieves my perceived pain.

Connecting to My Toe

I now have more compassion for my toe and its lifelong journey to live under conditions that do not support it. It played a role in my life to give me a reason to leave unhealthy people and activities behind. I hold space for the “not knowing” how to support my toe so that it is not under constant pressure to protect itself, only to have me undo that protection. How many other ways do I undo my body’s natural activity to heal because it doesn’t fit my and society’s perception of what is right? By holding space for my toe, I trust my body to inform me of what it needs.

I now use a Manuka honey-based cream to support the skin on my toes. There is nothing to remove except a very infrequent nail clipping. Fortunately, shoe styles now include at least, shoes that fit me properly. No matter what, sexy clothes are still not possible and may no longer be wanted.  

Perfect Toes: Photo by Lisandra Medonça
Diana’s Toes: Diana Scalera

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