Boundary Wall / Rajamuuri

Photo Credit: Pixabay

I attend a meeting where I suddenly find myself vigorously, downright angry, opposing an initiative to determine  “who will be accepted to our group, and who won’t”.

I Do Not Want Everybody In!

After the meeting, I am with my own anger. Ashamed. What is this about? Why do I feel such strong anger in a matter that is essentially just a matter of conversation?

I start to feel a strong lump in my stomach. The lump is not just a lump. It has boundaries. The walls that guard. Disqualify.

There is a small me inside the lump, who is aware of the boundary because not all should be allowed inside. The lump is not just me, but it is us. “They” belong outside. Those others. Those who are dubious. Different. Those who don’t belong to us.

The lump pushes the diaphragm so that it is difficult for me to breathe. There is right, and there is wrong. Just those two. I don’t precisely know the rules for right and wrong, nevertheless, a part of me feels I should know who belongs to us, and who doesn’t.

There is somebody outside of me, who is part of us and who knows…and is now testing me if I know it too, because I MUST know.

But I don’t.

No wonder the little one in me is scared because I am fearful, and not angry at all. And it is not easy to be alone with the fear.

I remind myself that I don’t have to get an answer to the question of the meeting, no answer at all. I can just be with the place in me that is worried and afraid.

A question comes to my mind: is there some part of me who knows?

I start to feel my feet against the ground, and gradually the left side of my body, which opens into a large, airy, peaceful space.

The frightened lump in my stomach does not want to be alone, and my left side that is open and free is able to console it.

The small one needs not to be alone, and the big part in me consoles it. There are many aspects to things, and we can look at them together. You can ask, wonder, disagree.

The lump dissolves, and I can breathe again.

I start feeling pain in my chest where my deepest pains are felt. They are not the pains I want to miss. They are the pains that tell me that frozen parts in me will melt when I let them appear and do not try to hide or deny them.

 


Osallistun palaveriin, jossa yhtäkkiä huomaan ponnekkaasti, suorastaan vihaisesti, vastustavani erästä aloitetta: ketä otetaan joukkoomme mukaan, ketä ei?

Minä En Halua Kaikkia Mukaan!

Palaverin päätyttyä jään oman vihastumiseni äärelle. Häpeän. Mistä tässä on kyse? Miksi tunnen niin vahvaa suuttumusta asiassa, joka on vain pohdinnan asteella?

Alan tuntea vatsassani vahvan möykyn. Möykky ei ole vain möykky. Sillä on rajat. Seinät, jotka vartioivat. Sulkevat ulos.

Möykyn sisällä on pieni minä, joka tiedostaa rajan, sillä sisäpuolelle ei saa päästää ketä vain. Möykky ei ole vain minä vaan se on me. Ulkopuolelle kuuluvat ne. Ne toiset. Ne epäilyttävät. Ne erilaiset. Ne, jotka eivät kuulu meihin.

Möykky painaa palleaani niin, että minun on vaikea hengittää. On oikea ja on väärä, vain ne kaksi. En tunne oikean ja väärän sääntöjä tarkkaan, siitä huolimatta minun pitäisi tietää, kuka kuuluu joukkoon, kuka ei.

Tunnistan jonkun itseni ulkopuolella, joka kuuluu meihin ja tietää…ja joka testaa, tiedänkö minä. Minun KUULUU tietää!

Enkä tiedä.

Ei ihme, että pientä pelottaa, sillä pelosta tässä on kyse, ei vihasta. Eikä pelon kanssa ole helppoa olla yksin.

Muistutan itseäni, että kaikki saa tulla. Että minun ei tarvitse saada vastausta palaverin kysymykseen, ei vastausta ollenkaan. Että saan vain olla sen kanssa, joka minussa on niin huolissaan ja pelkää.

Tämän vapauden myötä herään kysymään: onko minussa sellainen osa, joka tietää?

Alan tuntea jalkapohjani maata vasten, vähitellen koko kehoni vasemman puolen, joka avautuu suureksi, ilmavaksi, rauhalliseksi tilaksi.

Pelokas möykky vatsassani ei halua olla yksin, vasemman puolen avoin ja vapaa tila kykenee lohduttamaan sitä.

Ei lapsen tarvitse yksin, iso lohduttaa. Asioilla on monia puolia ja voimme katsoa niitä yhdessä. Saat kysellä, kummastella, olla eri mieltä.”

Möykky katoaa ja voin hengittää jälleen.

Tunnen kipua rinnassani, siellä, missä minun syvimmät kipuni tuntuvat. Eivätkä ne kuitenkaan ole kipuja, jotka haluaisin pois. Ne ovat kipuja, jotka kertovat, että jotain minussa paikalleen jähmettynyttä liikahtaa, kun annan niiden tulla esiin enkä yritä piilottaa tai väistää.

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5 thoughts on “Boundary Wall / Rajamuuri”

  1. What beautiful story of an unfolding that started to emerge from making room for both, and then came the unexpected wisdom of assurance, that this part will begin to thaw when you are there, holding its fear. There is so much there but that is enough for now, just knowing that. Kevin

  2. Hi Maria,

    What you demonstrate here is an important part of Wholebody Focusing—how to be with parts of us that are challenging. The first step is to acknowledge that they are there and to give them time and space to be fully heard either through what the body experience is of them or some kind of information that emerges about this part.

    By being present to whatever is there, it gives this part energetic space to move forward in its own way. Sometimes that means that the conflict resolves, a part of the conflict resolves or the conflict is still there but it is different maybe in ways we do not understand or need to understand.

    Thanks for an your honest unfolding of this process.

    Diana

  3. “in its own way” feels so good! I do not determine it, I am just open to what ever is the way it wants to take.

  4. Thanks, Kevin. I am so grateful for how safely I can be with what ever feelings there are.

  5. I read this piece again and how you somehow made room for a larger wisdom that appeared just at that edge of needing something, and whatever it said was comforting to that fear place that felt so alone. Again I felt touched once when I witness this happening as it your revelation here. Thank you. Kevin

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