Feel the Warm and Be the Warm 

By Kevin McEvenue
 

This series, the Doors of Perception, seems to have taken on a life of its own. Something has come to a head; I have recalled the struggles of life and named the basic conflict that seems to always be there. I want so much and I can’t have it in equal proportion. How devastating this has been for most of my life.

Now I feel something has changed; just being with these podcasts seems to have made a difference, being transparent with you present in my awareness at the same time. Something has happened that perhaps could not have happened until I did this: speak out, pausing, waiting for the words to form directly from the experience itself.

This podcast really does speak for itself and I invite you to feel the change of mood and expectation. How something has happened here—how the perception itself has taken on a life of its own, independent of the patterns I so struggle with. I am enjoying that shift as I feel it in my own body this morning. I feel different.  My body is feeling the warmth of itself, physically warm, a sensual feeling, gradually warming every part of me all over, warm and inviting.

What a good feeling that is, to feel myself in this way.  And there is a natural pause to enjoy it as I realize I don’t have to know, I don’t have to understand, I don’t have to do anything. I can enjoy my life just the way it is.

And right now, I am enjoying my warm body being felt all through me. It feels like the struggle doesn’t need to be there—at least not now. It feels like an internalized permission, I don’t have to do anything, I can just be.  My wanting, my desires—they have a place in me to be there.  It is okay.

There is a fundamental change of expectation.  More a sense of acceptance with delight and gratitude. Not a wishing, not a fantasy. There is a quality of hope here that seems to know what is needed. Like a bodily experience of who I am and what I am in my possibilities that seem satisfying. And yet there will be challenges here too, challenges that are manageable, that strengthen me, not drain me. So be it!