Part I
Self-Awareness was lacking one morning when I woke up in February noticing that the area under my right ear felt different. As sleep slipped away, I put my hand over the area and I seemed to find a lump. I immediately moved my hand away thinking it was part of a dream. I didn’t touch that area again until later in the day and found, in fact, there was a lump there that wasn’t there the night before. Something had grown in this area over night. Once again, I decided to leave it alone. Seven years ago I had stage three Salivary Gland Cancer on the left side. I wasn’t able to process something like this happening to me again.
Avoidance Self-Awareness
I had had many MRIs in this area as part of the follow-up to successful cancer treatmenton the left side. The MRIs would show that I had a something on the right side that was of no significance. Now it decided to grow into a noticeable size for no particular reason. I decided to wait to see if it would reduce in size for no particular reason.
After six weeks, I called my surgeon and scheduled a MRI. This time, the MRI indicated this growth was a lesion attached to my right salivary gland. Now it seemed to be a possible repeat that could be cancer. Biopsies were done that showed no cancer. These biopsies, however, were such that they showed that the small area of the samples taken did not have cancer, not that I was certifiably cancer free. I waited another three months. The Doctor said the only way to ensure the lesion was not cancer would be to remove it and I agreed.
Denial Self-Awareness
I realized that I responded to this very scary situation with avoidance. For example, I assumed that it was not cancer and didn’t tell anyone about the lump. That gave me the ability to deny its existence. The second MRI showed a small amount of growth and I could no longer deny its existence.
Magical Thinking Self-Awareness
Finally, I tried Magical Thinking. My closest friends and I tried Reiki to make the lesion go away but this lesion was not having it. When I asked the lesion if Reiki could help, I learned it couldn’t. In my Reiki group of practicioners, we had had some possitive healing experiences. At this point I was hoping to help myself make space for this new event and open pathways to draw to me the resources I would need. Realizing that I wasn’t addressing the situation emotionally or spiritually, I asked Kevin McEvenue, my WBF mentor, to help me connect to this lesion.
In our first session, what came to me in grounded presence was a need to fully acknowledge that lesion existed separate and apart from me. Ithad its own story. I allowed automatic movements to guide my interaction with the lesion. As my hands and arms moved in their own way, I learned that lesion did not want to be touched. However, the lesion did want to be fully acknowledged and left alone. As my body moved, I held space for the lesion just the way it was, without judgement of its purpose, or the direction to not touch it.
Awareness of the Lump as it’s own Entity
After that session, I lost my fear of telling people I had this problem and the implications of the situation i.e a possibility of a recurrence of cancer, surgery, including the increased loss of functionality of my mouth.
The gift, after this session was that my friends and family let me know they would be with me though this experience and would provide whatever help I needed. They helped me face this new reality. I had the help I needed without rejection or shame. When I stopped lying to my body about the significance of my lesion, the help I needed showed up without asking.
Appreciation Awareness
In a second session with Kevin, what came to me was appreciation. When I was holding grounded presence, I began to understand how difficult this salivary gland’s experience was since the demise of the left salivary gland. Part of the MRI report said the gland had begun to undergo atrophy. This salivary gland was working double time to provide my mouth with the saliva it needed. I felt appreciation for its valor to take on this task. It also made me aware of its inability to continue this task. I held space for the seven years it had played this role and how that helped me recover from my previous surgery. It also occurred to me that this gland needed compassion for its struggle, something that felt quite natural to the healing process. This session helped me connect to these parts of my body in a way I have never felt before. Rather than being frighten by the coming events, I began to hold space for all the unknown changes that were coming our way.
