Wholebody focusing demonstrates the power of consciousness alive in possibility. It invites a connection between me and a part of me. Once I sense the connection is there between us, I invite it to awaken to its own awareness of itself. Something it can’t do without me.
Eyes Wide Open is a major shift in perception. A very significant and powerful belief: how I can’t see, mustn’t see, and how limiting that has been for me.
Many of us suffer this kind of eye dis-function, a dysfunction that has been there—only to get worse, not better! I could have just talked about an issue like how it is to be short-sighted, for example. But here I do something very different! I don’t talk about it; I live into the experience of how it is right now!
Eyes Wide Open
I allow myself to come alive to this experience for all to see me in the way I suffer it. I have been haunted by these words, “eyes wide open,” for some time. How that is—a suffering accepted as almost normal. In this session I ask myself, “what is happening?” I pause to wait and see what wants to come. At first it brings me back to how it was; and then—unexpectedly—how it also awakens something new that begins to flow.
Wholebody focusing demonstrates the power of consciousness alive in possibility. It invites a connection between me and a part of me. Once I sense the connection is there between us, I invite it to awaken to its own awareness of itself. Something it can’t do without me.
Notice what happens when we invite this part to awaken to the history of its suffering from its own perspective. When we invite a relationship to emerge between us now, something new can happen that couldn’t without our active participation.
In this session something begins to be moved that feels fresh. First the awareness of how it has been so stuck, but then something else begins to emerge beyond that! And that feels good and yet uncomfortable in its newness. Fear and apprehension appear…I don’t know…I don’t know what to do. I can’t see!
But then I hear a gentle soft voice in the background, saying; “Kevin, open your eyes and see. Open your eyes.”
Eyes wide open…there it is! It keeps coming back. It keeps coming back until I stop and pay attention. This is just how it works.
Something shifts when the panic is awakened. Something very powerful is activated at the same time. My hands strongly connect with my thighs. It feels like an anchor.
Gene Gendlin asks: “How are you, Kevin?” And I say: “I am just fine, thank you!”
In this video, I will ask myself the same question and then I will pause and notice what comes. “I am just fine, aren’t I?”
Laughter! I feel laughter inside that feels more like a challenge than a question as my body begins to awaken and move spontaneously. I become aware—the world outside, the weight of gravity, the floor, the sitting bones, my feet.
Yes, what comes is a kind of twisted humor, to hear: “I am just fine!” Also, confusion—because I know I’m not. Like a split going on inside me. One that feels true and the other false and confused.
Also wondering, what do I do now?! My body is obviously doing something–expanding in some way, but also feeling uncomfortable and confused. What to do?
Suddenly there is a shift. Very intense. My body feels so alive. My eyes are wide open, a child’s eyes. Full of wonder, exploring with unconditional curiosity! Just taking in—no thought.
Then I notice all those paintings around me. How I love pictures; they tell stories, like a doorway into a deeper world beyond me. A word comes—connections. That’s it! That is what I want. I want to connect! I pause to let it be more aware of itself.
But something else comes too: panic, confusion. I don’t know how! I want to and I don’t know how to! So much anxiety surfaces wanting attention.
Very familiar when asked this question, how are you? I say without thinking, I am just fine. Because that is what is expected of me, that I am fine. That is what wants to be heard. And I want to feel the peace in that too. To be just fine, connected, but I know I am not!
Something shifts when the panic is awakened. Something very powerful is activated at the same time. My hands strongly connect with my thighs. It feels like an anchor. I feel ME and it feels so good! Felt with such conviction. I feel myself; yes! That’s it!
It feels like an apt moment to invite you to our next Pause for Presence gathering on Saturday June 5th. We are moving towards the Summer Solstice and if we let Nature be just as it is, the new life of Spring will naturally mature into the fullness and bounty of the earth.
And in this gathering too, you are invited to let your body be just as it is so it can awaken more fully to its own aliveness and guide you into the underlying energy field of spacious, life-giving Presence – a dimension in you that is always alive, at peace and undisturbed.
This gathering is an opportunity for you to come to rest in that field of Presence within and around you and to allow yourself to be held and nourished. Being together in this way with others creates a palpable energy field of group Presence which allows you to experience Presence in a much deeper way than if you were on your own.
The format of the gathering is simple. After brief guidance, there will be time to silently rest in Presence in whatever way feels right for you. There will also be time for any heartfelt sharing that may want to happen.
The details:
Time and date: Saturday 5thJune from 4 pm to 5.45 pm BST (British Summer Time).
Venue: Zoom video conferencing platform. If you have no experience with Zoom, please let Cecelia know for necessary guidance.
Fee: £20 (by bank transfer) or £22 (by Paypal which includes £2 Paypal fee). It includes a free audio-recording of the guided sessions.
Recently I have noticed my reaction when something stops working for me that is typically so quickly done it is almost automatic–like signing into a much-used app. Since I spend so much time online, I usually face things that sometimes show up as obstacles. Today, I signed into Zoom to start my session with Kevin McEvenue, and Zoom said my password is incorrect.
Something Stops Working, and I Start Worrying
After typing in my password many times, several narratives quickly came to the forefront of my consciousness.
“This is Zoom forcing me to change my password.
“I am losing my mind because I have typed this password every day for years.”
“Kevin will be impatient with me for not signing on in time.”
“It will take me 10 minutes to change the password.”
“I hate being late.”
“I have to warn Kevin, so he won’t think I’m irresponsible.”
“Kevin will think badly of me for being late.”
Once I sent Kevin an email, I paused and held space for all that was there. A simple inability to sign into an app brought all these feelings into consciousness. It felt compelling to acknowledge this. It also opened me to a new solution. Since Kevin sent me the link, I didn’t have to sign in. I could click on the link he sent, and the app would open.
I Find My Way
When I connected to Kevin, we worked through all the narratives that arose from the inability to sign in to Zoom. There is the arbitrariness of how apps function. I am often baffled by how apps change to meet the needs of newer generations of users. If something I usually do causes me distress, I wonder if my brain is failing. Then the shame comes. Why can’t I be as efficient as I think I am? How did it happen that I am late for my session? What will be the impact of not functioning at total capacity on my relationship with partners or participants?
Fortunately, it was Kevin that was on the other side of the camera. We took time to be with all of these narratives. What came for me was how the narratives are related to my background feeling of “there is something wrong with me.” I had a chance to hold space for this complicated felt sense simply because I could not complete a well-known repetitive task. Then it dawned on me that this was a great opportunity.
Each time I can make a choice. I can indulge in the “something is wrong with me.” or I can hold space with equal regard for it and allow it to find its own way. What happened when I worked with Kevin was that by letting “something is wrong with me” pass through my body, I came to the point of “something stopped working for me.” This statement leaves so many unknown opportunities for healing to occur.
Suggested Readings
I suggest reading Kevin’s article Wholebody Focusing: Life Lived in the Moment. He talks about how Wholebody Focusing evolved, and the first time he connected to his inner self. It is an excellent read to help one see how habitual experiences can develop into openings. Kevin talks about how holding space for a felt sense can give us “several options for living my life more fully beyond what I already knew.”
My response to the locked password was to go into a hyper-problem solving mode motivated by fear of criticism and failure to meet some standard that I think everyone shares. By being compassionate with all that came, something new emerged. I heard, “something stopped working for me.” At that moment, I felt very joyful and free of the earlier narrative voices.
I look forward to being aware of how I react when something stops working for me. I pause, and hold space for what is there. I ask for support and wait to see what comes.
In this gathering, you are invited to be with yourself in such an accepting way that your body can begin to open up and guide you “into this vast awesome field of spacious Presence”.
“If you can live in your body and not reject any of it, you will be guided into discovery of your own wisdom and Nature’s wisdom, guided into this vast awesome field of spacious Presence”
– Late Ed McMahon, co-founder Bio-Spiritual Focusing
With Nature springing into new colourful growth all around us (at least here in the Northern hemisphere), it feels like a perfect time to invite you to our next monthly on-line Pause for Presence gathering on Saturday April 24th.
In this gathering (slightly longer than usual) you are invited to be with yourself in such an accepting way that your body can begin to open up and guide you – as Ed McMahon describes above – “into this vast awesome field of spacious Presence”. This dimension of Presence in you is always alive, at peace and unperturbed by what is going on.
In previous gatherings we have called it “the underlying energy field of living Presence” – a sense of the aliveness felt within the body and around you as a field of Presence that constantly holds and resources you.
The idea of these gatherings is for you to come to rest in this energy field of Presence within and around you and to allow yourself to feel held and nourished. Being together in this way with others creates a palpable energy field of group Presence which allows you to experience Presence in a much deeper way than if you were on your own.
The format of the gathering is simple. After brief guidance, there will be plenty of time to silently come to rest in Presence. There will also be time for any heartfelt sharing that may want to happen.
The details:
Time and date: Saturday 24th April from 4 pm to 5.45 pm BST (British Summer Time).
Venue: Zoom video conferencing platform. If you have no experience with Zoom, please let Cecelia know for necessary guidance.
Fee: £20 (by bank transfer) or £22 (by Paypal which includes £2 Paypal fee). It includes a free audio-recording of the guided sessions.
I am trying to describe a moment in our lives that stands out. What it might feel like when it happens? And to know the difference?
The Living Truth is what I hear when I play back this recording once again! It seems impossible to fit words to this experience. It is something that feels so totally alive—but it feels momentary, and then it’s gone. That is how it seems to work!
I am trying to describe such a moment and I feel very inadequate to put words to this experience. It is so powerful, so palpable, and so true beyond words. This is what I yearn for in life. I am asking for it right here, right now, right in this moment.
How could that be framed as a desire? How can I invite my body to have this…..as a desire?…… like a prayer? This is what I am asking…..and at the same time being with the not-knowing…the how of it!
I am trying to describe a moment in our lives that stands out. What it might feel like when it happens? And to know the difference?
I have had such moments. That is all I can say. These are moments that felt so true that they have never left me and I suspect never will. They are engraved in me. That is just how it is!
So bear with me as I stumble through the attempt to describe something that is so vital and so far-reaching in its implications. The living truth!
We can allow a sense of desiring to become so much more than expected—even pleasurable. I asked myself: “how am I right now?” This time, something playful and unfamiliar seemed to emerge. At first there was the immediate tension in the throat, neck, and jaw followed by a familiar feeling of ‘resistance’.
The Resistance and Resilience of the Pleasurable
But something new emerged at the same time. It was vague and it sounded like the word…’resilience‘ It had a new energy that seemed different from the familiar resistance. Almost the opposite—or maybe complimentary—coming from the same source and yet vaguely different. It seemed softer and didn’t trigger the usual tension that immediately stops the flow. In fact, my toes began to flex! I was surprised and I liked it.
And it aroused my curiosity. I decided to play with the words—resistance and then resilience, and just notice what happens.
In Wholebody Focusing, we pause to hold the two—two different words that seem worlds apart. Holding both with equal positive regard.
But that was not what happened today. Both words seemed to be vaguely connected at the source, even the sounding of the words felt poetic. They seemed to want to dance with one another. As though there was something in it for both. Different ways of being, worlds apart and yet…
Mutual Benefit
Today I began to wonder; can these parts benefit from one another in this kind of mutual connection? Like a gentle curiosity that might be mutually supportive, maybe even complimentary or collaborative rather than divisive and combative?
Today, this part of me—the part of me that resists anything new as threatening—behaved differently. it seemed drawn to the warm and pleasing nature of the activity inherent in resilience.
It seemed as if the proximity of the two awakened a kind of collaborative possibility implicit between them. I saw my human consciousness as a light so that they could discover one another, perhaps looking for something mutually satisfying in this moment of connection.
These albums documented how one family used the available means of communication (photography and letter writing) at the time to support each other through a challenging time. Twenty years later, my aunt and her daughter used audiotapes. Now online videoconferencing is giving us a medium to hold onto ourselves and those we love.
Many generations have survived pandemics, wars, and political strife. I’ve looked back at how generations of my family used our need for connection with each other to stay whole and survive.
The Attic
When I was a very young girl, I escaped to the attic to find out information about my relatives. There were steamer trunks my Italian grandparents had used to travel to the US in the early 1900s. At that point, they were full of old photos and artifacts from my parents, grandparents, aunts’ and uncles’ lives.
I would spend hours looking at pictures, trying on dresses, and holding each item in my hands. I could see photos of everyone so many years younger and wondered what secrets these images, old dresses, scraps of material, baby shoes, and other everyday items held. It was my favorite place to be, and it was part of my ongoing need to gather information about the past.
The War Albums
My Dad with his Dog
My favorite images were from my father’s photo albums from when he was in Europe during World War II for three years. He had three albums of photos. I could spend hours looking at these photos and making up stories about who Dad was, what happened to him, and how I could relate the essence of what I saw in the pictures with the man who was my father.
How My Father Survived World War II
My father’s approach was unique for his time. Instead of being caught up in the fervor of nationalism, it was clear to him how the Army used working-class men as cannon fodder in the war. “The Red Ball Express.” was a movie about one of the platoons in which he served. When we watched it on TV, I asked him which character he was in the film. He answered, “the guy who peeled the potatoes.”
As a young girl, I felt crushed that he wasn’t one of the “hero” characters. As an adult, I admire him for being honest even though he knew it wasn’t the answer I wanted. It taught me that jingoistic responses were of no value when you are talking about living through wartime.
Many years later, one of my brothers scanned the albums and gave me the files. On a whim, I set up the photo albums as a screen saver. I was sitting with a friend when the photos started rolling onto my computer screen. My friend and I paused and talked about the images. She loved seeing them and asked a lot of questions.
Later I looked at the photos one at a time. I already had a pattern from my childhood: Who are they? Where are they? What relationship did they have with my dad?
What Emerged from the Photos
Soldiers who transformed rail cars into hospitals for victims of war
Initially, I saw each picture as a separate story. And then I paused. Something new came to me. These pictures tell the story of a family with a son in the theater of war during WWII. The images were from two locations–Europe and the US. Some were the pictures my father took of his experience in Europe (mostly England). My father worked as a carpenter transforming rail cars into hospitals throughout England. He was mainly on the periphery of the war in small villages that had train stations.
What happened during an air raid in war time
On the back of one photo, my father’s friend documents that his friend kissed the woman he loved at 11:30 pm on April 23, 1943, during an air raid in Swindon. When I read the back of the photo, what came to me was the joy at finding happiness despite the horror. Almost all of the pictures were of my father being with people on bike rides, in the countryside, dressed in his uniform and street clothes, smoking cigars, working on the railroad, and fixing things. He documented what made him happy. That’s what he sent home to his family.
He had lots of pictures of his fellow carpenters. Each image of a person had a name and address written on the back in a handwriting that was not my dad’s. Most likely, the script belonged to the person in the picture. These were relationships which both partners wanted to keep for longer than the war. Others had commentary from my dad about why the day was essential to him.
There were no pictures of dead bodies, destroyed buildings, or any evidence of war. They could have been a series of images from someone who spent a few years abroad. But it was not. My dad only chose to document his experiences that were pleasant and life-affirming.
He once told me as I was going into surgery to treat cancer that he knew what fear was. My father said he was fearful that he would die each day for three years when he went to war. Dad assured me that there was a way to be with both the fear of the moment and the hope that everything will be okay.
The pictures tell that story. My dad chose to get to know the people he had never met, form strong connections, and enjoy every minute he could. He also documented them to help him keep going. After D-Day, he went to France and participated in one of the most dangerous assignments—he drove gasoline trucks that refueled tanks across France, Belgium, and Germany under fire and mostly without sleep. There are no pictures of those times. Maybe the memory of these pictures kept him going. Maybe there was no time to take new ones.
How the Family Survived World War II
The new generation: Ron, Betty and Marie
His family’s pictures told how, when my father was in the war, his brothers and sisters started their families. They had had four children while he was in Europe. My father’s twin sister took on the role of the family communicator.
Below is a picture of my grandmother and my oldest cousin. The note from my father’s sister tells him his niece was a timid person. I love this short note and photo because it included my father in the family’s life. He got to see a picture of his mother and his niece, find out something about this young girl’s personality, and also how the family was improving their multi-generational home.
Grandma and cousin Marie during World War II
Many years later, when one of this aunt’s daughters became a nurse in Vietnam during the war, she did the same thing. She documented the family’s life so that her daughter could stay connected. This time they used audiotapes to communicate. My aunt would play the tapes from her daughter for us when we visited. Our nurse mostly talked about what she did when she wasn’t a caring for the wounded.
My favorite picture is the leading photo that I have spent many hours examining over the years. It is a picture of my grandmother’s birthday party (the lady in the back row with the flower on her lapel) in the garden of her brother’s house. Someone took the photo specifically to send to my dad to let him know that they held space for him. There are people you can immediately see in the picture–his parents and aunts and uncles. One can see parts of other people. This photo is full of wanting someone far away to feel loved and remembered.
How We Can Survive
These albums documented how one family used the available means of communication (photography and letter writing) at the time to support each other through a challenging time. They limited their communication to things that brought normality to their lives and shared their stories to reassure each other. Twenty years later, my aunt and her daughter used audiotapes. Now online videoconferencing is giving us a medium to hold onto ourselves and those we love as we enter the second year of this pandemic. I thank my father and Aunt Virginia for teaching us how.
yourself in such an accepting way that your body can begin to open up and guide you – as Ed McMahon describes above – “into this vast awesome field of spacious Presence”. This dimension of Presence in you is always alive, at peace and unperturbed by what is going on.
Presence within and around you and to allow yourself to feel held and nourished. Being together in this way with others creates a palpable energy field of group Presence which allows you to experience Presence in a much deeper way than if you were on your own.
