Gene Gendlin asks: “How are you, Kevin?” And I say: “I am just fine, thank you!”
In this video, I will ask myself the same question and then I will pause and notice what comes. “I am just fine, aren’t I?”
Laughter! I feel laughter inside that feels more like a challenge than a question as my body begins to awaken and move spontaneously. I become aware—the world outside, the weight of gravity, the floor, the sitting bones, my feet.
Yes, what comes is a kind of twisted humor, to hear: “I am just fine!” Also, confusion—because I know I’m not. Like a split going on inside me. One that feels true and the other false and confused.
Also wondering, what do I do now?! My body is obviously doing something–expanding in some way, but also feeling uncomfortable and confused. What to do?
Suddenly there is a shift. Very intense. My body feels so alive. My eyes are wide open, a child’s eyes. Full of wonder, exploring with unconditional curiosity! Just taking in—no thought.
Then I notice all those paintings around me. How I love pictures; they tell stories, like a doorway into a deeper world beyond me. A word comes—connections. That’s it! That is what I want. I want to connect! I pause to let it be more aware of itself.
But something else comes too: panic, confusion. I don’t know how! I want to and I don’t know how to! So much anxiety surfaces wanting attention.
Very familiar when asked this question, how are you? I say without thinking, I am just fine. Because that is what is expected of me, that I am fine. That is what wants to be heard. And I want to feel the peace in that too. To be just fine, connected, but I know I am not!
Something shifts when the panic is awakened. Something very powerful is activated at the same time. My hands strongly connect with my thighs. It feels like an anchor. I feel ME and it feels so good! Felt with such conviction. I feel myself; yes! That’s it!
Further Reading: Wholebody Focusing — Being in Grounded Presence