Photo Credit: Gabrielle Clark
Who am I?
I ask and ask many times and I step back, but nothing comes.
I stay and say it is okay.
I drift off and remember something I have read yesterday – ‘we must defend your dwelling place in us to the last’, so I come back. I ask again.
Then I remember a lovely note from a friend – ‘its okay and enjoy life’ he says – This makes me smile. Enjoy life – yes! The smile keeps growing. I think this is enough and I finish.
I come across a poem and I am moved by the line – “Close your eyes and follow your breath to the still place that leads to the invisible path that leads you home.”
I pause again and follow my breath – a feeling is coming in my body. It’s big! It is like a feeling of ecstasy, it is scary and nice and I am allowing it.
I remember the support of the chair.
It feels like I am allowing life to flow in me and it is so beautiful and light and uplifting. I can still feel it now, it is tingling and buzzing with life. “Let life happen to you” says Rilke.
Perhaps I am the vehicle for the life that is longing to live in me. Or am I the life I felt moving in me.
I don’t know.
Who am I beyond the conditioning that has been imposed on me?
Who is the one that looks out from behind my eyes?
Who is the one that looks out from behind your eyes?
Can I even risk being seen that deeply, seeing that deeply. The thought of that scares and excites me.
I hold both, as a hopeful possibility.
Note Authors of my inspiration in order: Etty Hillesum, Rainer Maria Rilke and Teresa of Avila